Wednesday, November 25th, 2009

(From my journal)

Couldn't get any sleep last night. So, I started to think. Think about my family. My dad, my mom. Think about how they think about me. "Is he happy there?" I tried to answer that question. Well, I'm growing up. I really am. I feel it. But every second I live, every second I spend here, a little piece of happiness goes away. And instead, the empty hole that is left behind is filled with sadness and loneliness. I went out to buy my lunch this afternoon. I also bought a tiny notepad to write down my ideas, in case I don't want to type them in my cellphone. It was damn freezing. And what's more, it was raining icy needles that pierced every single part of my body. It made me shiver. The day felt really gray. But I loved the first deep breath. That rainy smell in the air. It made me feel so good.

I have to start writing my research paper, but I don't feel like doing it at all. This is my first thanksgiving in the US, but one of the loneliest weeks of my life. I'd love my own apartment. I like it here, but it's not mine.

I watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" two nights ago, for the second time. I liked it even more than the first time. It tore my heart out. I love the piano version of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" that is played in the movie. It's kind of childish, but extremely sad and lonely at the same time.

Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Life is but a dream.

... Life is but a dream.

C.